Fight “fair” is such a silly statement to me. I mean really, just don’t fight at all sounds more “fair” but, not very realistic in most relationships. Even the best marriages and relationships will have moments that disagreements happen and need to be aired.
Let’s talk about some ways to make sure that the fights only happen “fair” and you end in a joyful belly laugh.
-First, make sure that you are not using character blows.
-Stay on topic, don’t fight in the past or about things that have already been resolved.
-Use “I” statements and discuss the situation only from your perspective.
-Try to see the situation outside of yourself.
-If you are like me, it is usually easier to just crack a joke to lighten the mood than it is to express my feeling when I am upset. This way, I can collect my words and find a way to be vulnerable without getting hurt.
-No Yelling.
Yelling is a trigger for me. I know this. Lee knows this about me and in the past he has used it to his advantage because, he knows that I will shut down and he can “be right”. Now that we are grown ups, I say this jokingly, we try not to focus on “being right” as much as doing what is right for our family.
These are rarely the same thing. “Being right” might lead to a bigger fight, not exactly what is right for our children. They need to learn to find resolution in all situations, not only in situations that serve them but also, in situations that serve others.
I am currently the winner of the “vent war” as our boys called it. We have a two story house and we have been trying to compromise on realist temperature setting for our power bill and our bodies, we live in South Carolina USA and summer is HOT here. My husband had an opinion about closing vents and leaving others open and I had an opinion about leaving some open and other closed.
After a long discussion that involved scientific experiments and lessons about air flow, and our children being up front and center for the entire thing, we made a decision. I was able to prove a theory that made sense to him and he conceded his point and changed the vents.
The boys were involved in the discussion and that made it less about “me” and more about “us”. Because this went on for several nights, the boys decided that it was a war. Lee and I both had to work to remove the emotional attachment to our opinions allowing us to hear the other side of the argument.
You guys, this was more fun than debate class and ended with both adults feeling valued and giving the children a real opportunity to be apart of an adult argument. I didn’t really “win”, that is where I will always interject my jokes to lighten the mood. The real winner will be our family and our power bill.
Last night after dinner, Lee said “Vent war winner has to do the dishes.” so I didn’t really win anything! He is still learning how to make funny jokes.
Anyway, arguments can be fun and they don’t have to hurt. They can be educational when you take the pride out of the situation. And responding without emotion usually ensures that your point will be considered without bias.
Just remember, love always wins and people don’t feel loved when they are hurt.
xo,
Melissa
Helping Families Grow 